Voipfone Press Release Enhanced Subscriber Protocol (ESP) 1st April 2006
Voipfone launch the world’s first Internet Telepathy service 1st April 2006.
Today Voipfone introduced the first product developed from its ground-breaking Enhanced Subscriber Protocol (ESP).
This unreal-time protocol is an unusual Layer Eight application which, although still in an early beta phase, is already making remarkable improvements in Customer Relations and Productivity (CRAP).
With the correct training, Voipfone’s customer service staff are now actually able to understand a customer’s problem just by reading their emails.
Rosy Lee, Director of Stuff To Understand & Do (STUD) commented “It’s extraordinary, for the first time we can make sense out of the garbled and useless information our customers present us with when they have a problem. It’s a real breakthrough. Now we actually know what the problem is when a customer just says ‘it doesn’t work, what should I do?’ “Of course we still can’t help them, but it’s good to really feel their anger first hand” he chuckled.
He’s also expecting to achieve large operational efficiency gains “If I’m honest” he lied “we no longer need to buy that expensive tea any more - no more gazing at Lapsang Souchong and Earl Grey leaves just to figure out a customer’s Sipura configuration file. Builder’s Brew Bags are all we use now”.
The break-through was made by the typically modest Shirley Timwell, Director of Serendipity Services & Applications (DOSSA) for Voipfone, “If I’m honest” he mimicked “it was an accident. I was setting up the Voipfone presence server and I just misspelled it.
When I rebooted, we had Prescience™ – and the rest is history, or future, or something”
Squadron Leader Clare Airborne, high flying Secretary General of ITPSA (the Internet Telepathy & Psychic Services Association) said “This is a fantastic development. Voipfone has very generously given us a Pro version of the software which means we can accurately predict when they will pay their subscription fees.
It’s disappointing knowledge to have of course, but at least we now know the worst.” Intuit, digerati and conference raconteur eRabbi Kitty, chairman of the reformed ICSTIS (Internet Clairvoyance Systems & Telephony by Intuition Society), said “I really didn’t see this coming, but you can bet I’m going to form a European working group on it”.
At first he was worried about how the conference circuit - to which has dedicated so much of his life - would respond to the break-though, worrying “they’ll all know what I’m going to say won’t they?” But he quickly realised that as people only go to conferences to rack up the air miles, nothing much has changed. “it’s fantastically efficient now – I don’t even bother speaking anymore, which, to be honest” he winked engagingly “is a blessing all round.
We all just swop business cards, do our expenses claims, eat the canapés, grin at each other and get down to the beach as fast as we can.” Austin Healey MGB & G&T, of Ofcom (Office of complications), is consulting, well, everybody and is deeply concerned about, well everything, but expects clear labelling will almost certainly be the answer to, well, pretty much everything.
He predicted “We do think that so long as a customer knows his mind will be read at the point of sale all will be well. You can be sure that we’re taking soundings from Mystic Meg about the long term competitive aspects of this and will publish a consultative document when BT tell us we can. Rest assured, consumers are very much on our minds; or will be, apparently.”
The Cable companies were unavailable for comment today as, having never anticipated any technological development since the twin tub washing machine, and still finding digital watches overly complex, they were just hoping that the day would turn out nice again.
Colin Duffy, CEO (Clowning & Entertainments Officer) of Voipfone, declined to be interviewed saying, “Don’t ask me about this stuff; they never tell me anything, all I do is apologise to our customers when it all goes tits up during implementation”
Terms & Conditions will almost certainly apply.
Notes to editors
Press Release Enhanced Subscriber Protocol ESP 1st April 2006
Voipfone is an internet telephone service provided by iNet Telecoms Ltd, a London-based company which was formed to develop the latest voice over internet technologies for Small Businesses. It aims to challenge the traditional telecoms companies’ grip on the market by offering low cost, high quality services that have more advanced features than the old public switched telephone network (PSTN).
VoIP (Voice over Internet Protocol) is a way of making telephone calls over the internet without needing to use the traditional telephone networks. Calls to other users of this technology are free, no matter where the caller and called party are in the world.
For further information, regarding this or any other press release please contact:
Colin Duffy, iNet Telecoms Ltd (Voipfone)
Tel: 0044 (0)20 7043 5559